Blisters and Forbidden Fruit

The past month with Belize has been challenging.  Remember when she was 3?  Meltdown queen?  Well, she decided she wanted to rule again- and I stupidly rose to the challenge- I mean, after all, who's in charge here?  ;)

Now that we have finally turned a corner (and I'll explain later what is making the difference- yeah!), I can tell you this:  You can't lose every battle if you refuse to engage in every fight.  And unfortunately I went about it all the wrong way and leaped into battle- sword blazing- determined to settle once and for all who rules this roost.

 I came across an article (in my hours upon hours spent searching for answers) that I think describes Belize unperfectly.  Unperfectly meaning, I don't believe Belize fits into any mold, she is completely unique and wonderful but some of this qualities ring true.  Listen to this:

"Have a strong-willed child?  You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults.  Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure.  As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.  

What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child?  Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see them as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints.  They want desperately to be right, and sometimes will put that desire above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears.  They have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle."  - Dr. Laura Markham


Now let me clarify that I do not believe all parenting solutions come from books or articles or friends or family's advice.  The BEST way to parent is with the Lord.  Your child is truly His child.  You are merely a very specially-chosen steward.   That said, I do believe that sometimes the Lord sends the Spirit when we are looking in the right places to nudge us in a  heavenly direction.  And these words helped me to further understand and appreciate Belize as an individual little soul.


"Research shows that  parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and clearly offering respect.  Adopting a policy of looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to a parent's will.  And, really, you don't WANT to raise an obedient child.  Of course you want your child to do what you say.  But not because he is obedient, meaning he always does what someone bigger tells him.  No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because you are the parent and have his best interests at heart.  You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out when to trust and be influenced by someone else.  Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others that often will not serve him.  What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents to nurture our child's unique gifts." -Dr. Laura Markham

Instead of changing Belize (which, I repeat, is impossible), I changed my focus to strengthening our relationship.  Again, I scoured all of my resources and attempted multiple plans.  Then I came across this suggestion:

"12 hugs a day.  Hug your child first thing inthe morning, when you say goodbye, when you're re-united, at bedtime, and often in between.   If your tween or teen rebuffs your advances when she first walks in the door, realize that with older kids you have to ease into the connection.  Get her settled with a cool drink, and chat as you give a foot rub (a fool proof way to hear what happened in her life today, which should be high on your priorty list).  'We need 4 hugs a day for survival.  We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.  We need 12 hugs a day for growth.' -Virginia Satir " again Dr. Laura Marham

This single (or in our case 12) act has changed Belize and I's relationship from weak to strong.  We look forward to seeing eachother, we ENJOY eachothers' company.  Whereas before, I was so frustrated that I physically had to separate her from myself so I would not lash out.   Since our physical connection has been strengthened, our emotional one has too.

This is what I love so much about parenting and the gospel.  I can relate to Mike Mulligan and his steam shovel, Mary Anne.  I dug the cellar so fast and so well that I found myself and my pride stuck in a well dug cellar with no way out.  The townspeople couldn't find a solution but little Tommy finally spoke up.   Build the town hall over the cellar and re-purpose Mary Anne to be the furnace and Mike Mulligan to be the new town hall custodian.  

I am the one who needed to change myself.  I needed to show Belize physically that I love her no matter how she is acting and no matter what choices she makes.  She is capable of making very good and wonderful choices.  

Let me sum this all up with a story:
A little over a month ago school started.  Even though, Belize knows its the rule to wear socks to school (they have to wear close toed shoes), each morning she would spend an HOUR melting down (pitching a full blown fit) about wearing her socks.  Finally after two weeks of what felt like hundreds of approaches, I had just lost it on Belize and was feeling terrible-  an idea, divinely placed entered my head.  I gathered every single pair of socks,  put them into a brown paper bag and put them up in her closet.  I sat on her bed, wiped away her tears and told her that she was more important to me than all the socks in the world.  I warned her that the consequences of not wearing socks is getting blisters and stinky feet but it was up for her to decide.  She was elated at this prospect and chose of course to forgo socks.   She got new blisters every day and her shoes had to stay outside since they were not smelling so bueno.  Her poor little feet were bloodied and bandaided for two weeks.  Until one Monday morning, 2 days after I started trying for 12 hugs a day, she said," Mom, I think I want to wear socks."  I replied (trying to downplay my excitement), "You're going to wear socks today?"  Then she said the words that warmed my heart and immediately turned into a full-on hug session, "And every day for the rest of the year."

This still doesn't mean that Belize gets to make the rules.  Brannon and I carefully select ones that will help our children make good choices and invite peace into our home.  However, I will try to be more flexible for Belize to exercise her own free agency on things that she feels strongly and will not bring her harm.  This whole experience has given me a different perspective to how God parented Adam and Eve.  I don't think He gave a righteous choice and an evil choice in partaking the forbidden fruit.  He gave them an obedient choice and a choice with natural (or worldly) consequence.  A choice between His continued presence or a mortal experience.  And just like Belize, they chose a natural consequence even they would feel the pain of blisters or in this case- death and the sorrows of the world.  And as we know, because of this, they strived to live an obedient life, consequently filled with joy and pain and then they did trust God- that He knew best and only lived to love them.

I feel the Lord's love in my life, I feel it for each of my precious children, my sweet husband, my dear friends and family, and even the raucous teenagers in the sunday school I teach.  I am not writing this to brag about my mad (urban for good) parenting skills (because at times they either shine brightly or so dull they can't cut a banana) or even to show Belize when she becomes a parent (although, that will be fun, won't it?- haha) but to remember.  Remember the difference- when I am parenting with the Lord or without Him.