Today I took a bath.
Postpartum despression is the pits. Literally, a pit. It's surrendering all control to an unrelenting master. I experienced moderate PPD with Belize. I felt like I could not physically control my emotions- either I was a volcano about to rupture, spewing hot lava at everyone in my path or a raincloud, so full of drops that I could burst at any moment, resulting in hours of tears. I felt constant despair, isolating loneliness (even though Brannon was with me every step of the way). I felt anger at the infant that I had brought into the world and anger at myself for feeling that way. I remember calling Brannon at 3 in the afternoon, bawling, pleading, no- begging him to come home and take this baby (he literally hopped on his bike that minute and sped home, I think he was in the middle of a lecture). Or when it took all my mental and physical strength to call for Brannon at 4 AM prevent me from throwing that crying babe in my arms out the window. Or bashing my head into the wall, wondering if I did it hard enough, could I knock myself out? I thought that it was normal, that every new mom feels that way. Looking back, I realize I should have been highly medicated, it was unfair to me, my sweet hubby and especially to Belize.
Since then, with each child, the fear starts as soon as I see those 2 pink lines. Will it happen again? I can't handle it again! So now, armed with knowledge and a plan, I face these very scary days. I take a lot of naps. I am writing down my feelings on this blog. I have an AMAZING husband who ensures everything is taken care of (home and family). I look forward to fun activities. I take baths. I put aside cleaning for playtime with my beautiful children. I am flexible. I pray each time I get up with Mayan at night that I might love her. Somedays, I am on top and accomplish quite a bit! Some days, I feel the old feelings gnawing and I take it easy. I can feel the thoughts creeping in, "You are miserable" and I scream at them, "You are not welcome here! I AM HAPPY!!!!"
Today I took a bath.
At 2pm.
It felt good.
3 days ago
3 comments:
I hear a lot about PPD, but I had no idea how bad it was. I am sorry you have to deal with it, and happy for you that you are learning to manage it better with each child. That makes me think even more highly of you, that you would continue to have kids even though you know it might be very rough for a while after they are born. I could use some of your bravery to conquer my fear of getting pregnant because I have a high risk of miscarriage.
oh shauna - i'm so sorry! i'm glad you are taking afternoon baths! and i'm super glad you have brannon!
Ohhh how I love you. And that you take baths at 2 in the afternoon.
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