My BabyO

BabyO passed away around 15 weeks 1 day. We didn't find out until our 18 week autonomy ultrasound. The ultrasound tech left after 30 seconds to get the radiologist, Brannon and I looked at each other- we knew. My thoughts turned to Belize, who was sitting next to me. I focused on her while the Dr. explained that BabyO's heart wasn't beating, it was most likely a chromosomal defect considering the edema around the baby, if there was still some good cells they would be grown and tested. I would have to have a D & E (Dialation & Evacation). No- it wouldn't be til next week, it was friday afternoon and my doctor's office was probably closed. Then he left the room. Brannon cried, I showed Belize how the foot lever to the garbage can worked. I felt like the Lord had been preparing me, preparing me for this moment to be a strong mother for Belize, so that she would not see my sadness, so she wouldn't be scared or worried. However, I've come to realize that no one can prepare to lose a child (nor should they).

Losing an unborn baby is like this:

Guilt

Sadness

Disappointment that all the plans you've made this year revolve around BabyO.

Questions- What would BabyO be like? What would make them smile for the first time? How would BabyO feel snuggled up next to my skin?

Suck it up (do what you need to do, you have responsibilities- your kids and husband need you)

Pray (a lot)

Cry - not at first but for sure when you don't have a church dress that will hide the fact that you are still pregnant and especially when you hide in the shower when your friend comes over to bring you dinner.

Love your other precious darlings, cause they are here and you couldn't imagine life without them. Check on them at night to make sure they are still breathing. Try to remember every toothy smile and dimply grin, just in case you could lose them tomorrow.

Hug your husband cause you realize that you couldn't do this without him.

Talk his ear off about everything baby until you realize you should probably control yourself because this is hurting him too and eventually its healthy to continue your life.

Realize how blessed you are to have two healthy and happy children and an amazing and loving husband.

Confusion. How do I love this child? Do I make BabyO an active memory in our family with our kids or let him/her fade away with time?

Consider Heavenly Father's eternal plan. Plant this experience firmly in your mind with the Atonement and realize that Heaven is sending you countless blessings through your truly wonderful friends (I am eternally grateful for each one of you and your kind words, good deeds, love and support), family and constant feelings of love.

Touched that Jesus Christ suffered for our afflictions not just our sins. When he was suffering that night in Gethseme, he thought of our family and this time in our lives and wept.

Hard to think that only Brannon and I will really be the ones keeping this baby alive in our memories and holding on to something, we never got hold, to kiss, to love. Loving a memory that we lost but still remembering to hope for the future.

Did this baby's Spirit come to earth, to a warm and nurturing womb, did it stay for just a small moment? Maybe it never came, maybe it is still waiting for another body, a better one, one that will let it experience the wonderfulness of life?

Whatever the case, I pull constant peace from the knowledge that Brannon and I were sealed in the temple with our Father in Heaven presiding. He watched as we were bound not only to each other but to our future family for eternity. My future children, Belize, Rio and BabyO. I will always be my baby's mother and for that I am grateful, for that I have joy.